I'm at the verge of confusion maybe....or izzit jus my sensitiveness causing to think other ways....but wat ever it is....at this point of time n period we gg thru...yet u aint showing any signs of mature in thinking or even actions.....i'm feeling kind of back out in wat ever i had decided....is nt i dun like u making new frds or taking new "kan mei mei" or wat ever....is how u treat others than treating mi.....by the way taking kan mei mei doesnt means u can do mushy things like dat....it nt onli makes mi feel upset it makes mi feel uncertain of wat u r thinking rite nw.....i noe i am in the mid stage of pregnancy but i cannot deal wif my emotions as good as b4 this is wat i noe......if things u do u think is jus di siao-ing ppl....pls bear in mind...di siao too much can cause a lot of misunderstandings or even some consequences dat u shld noe....dun ever say things will nv happen.....maybe i got to think over abt the decision i made on the 16th july if u still rem wat happen on dat day was rite or wrong.....maybe i shld made the step into the end of life dat day....at least i feel less stress n less burden to others.....rem the message u sent mi dat day...."i'm the onli 1 who love n care you nw. dun do this to mi."....but r u still?
Pls dun take my "cant be bothered face" as u can do almost anything u wan....cos i am jus wanting u to feel free to do anything u like but nt to the extend of treating a kan mei mei like this.....maybe u 4gotten abt wat happen to mi n ur the other kan mei mei Deborah b4 rite.....I jus dun wan to make any1 feel upset over this kind of small matters....but however small matters will become big matters 1 day....u will nv noe.....there is always insecurity in mi on n off which u nv realised at all.....all u realise is my sensitiveness towards wat ever u do.....I nv will take the intiative to tell u hw i feel....i always rather keep it to myself.....rite nw i am facing almost like wat those ppl who r bankrupt r facing nw.....savings all gone....jobless.....difficult in finding a new job....losing all my confidence day by day....u nv will understand......
Almost everyday i am thinking did i made the right choice of stepping into ur life.....on the 20th dec 2002 i still rem always.....did i make u feel happy being wif mi or make u feel miserable even more....did i choose the wrong path again? i really dunno....cos at this stage of life i often get into confusion anytime of the day....always feel sick of life....maybe the day on the 16th of July i shld hv off my hp...take myself away frm u and the rest n peacefully swallow dat stupid bottle of sleeping pills dat i took frm my mum cabinet....u changed my decision dat day by telling mi hw u feel towards mi.....i was touched cos u r the 2nd person in my life i love so much except for my very 1st ex bf......u 2 walk in my life in a very unusual way....make mi love u 2 so deeply in an unusual way.....but make mi feel uncertain in an unusual way too abt our love r/s.....
Frankly speaking kind of sick of love relationship liao....i given up on feelings on love when he died so mani yrs ago....till i found u again....who can make mi settle nw 4 so long....but feelings 4 u n feelings for him at dat moment is still the same....probs always the same...cos u 2 r of the same kind of charactor....same way of dealing things....same way of treating r/s....same way of affection towards mi.....cos both of u gave mi the feeling of shld i or shld i nt step into ur life in the 1st place....
maybe u gg to say i start my crazy thinking again....but i nv think dat way....everything there is a cause den a person will feel dat way....is jus u r nt sensitive enuff to feel dat....u always see mi in happy face....joke along wif u ....teasing along wif u....but ever notice every nite there is a time when i always stare at the walls full of tears in my eyes thinking abt everything.....maybe shld send mi to "hougang chalet" would be a better choice rite?
I really missed the old times when i was so carefree.....cheong wrk play hangout wif frds wif no worries....but those were memories when i was still young nw diff liao....getting older....get to worry more yet dun see any white hair on my head.....but the question is always there....wif mi ard u really feel happy? wif mi ard u really feel u need mi? or jus a companionship? I am really confused.....