2day thurs lor....need to write something again man.....hmmmm let mi recall wat happen on the past few days ba.....
tuesday's blog...to be continued i supposed...after my tuition at 3pm reach home abt 5pm rest awhile n get ready to go motorworld meet dear dear as usual....looking forward to see him soon cos monday was at my own hse...kind of miss him man.... reach there was thinking after his wrk we go ntuc shop for some groceries den i can cook dinner for him everyday if i'm home but unfortunately saw peter n jerry as well as colin my plans was sort of changed....thinking of buying groceries is to cut down the budget of him spending so much on our daily dinner as well as lunch on weekend...but since they were here den too bad lor....dear dear need to wrk late cos of a bike wif some prob after fixing the new tyres....jerry they all was unable to wait further longer so left 1st......i was feeling kind of paiseh n sorry dat they came down yet we couldnt make it to go wif them......but i wasnt totally mad wif dear dear for staying back to do the fixing jus dat find it weird for him to do all the mechanic work when the stuff wasn 't under the hands of his....why wasn't the culprit who spoilt the stuff stay back instead to solve the prob.....i was in extreme bad mood dat day too due to some arguement at home which dear dear wont even noe cos i seldom tell him abt it...i wasnt angry cos i waited so long n was starving or wat....i dun mind waiting but jus feel as a boss of the shop the person in charge should stop them and advise the owner of the bike to continue tml due to some factors the bike cant run properly....seems unfair to my dear dear in some ways....after dear was done he asked mi where they were...actually i dun even feel like gg down to meet them all but looking at dear face as if he wans to go can i say no? i feel dat no point we go down yet there is nothing to eat....might as well apologised n say we aint coming....but if he wan let him be den....i was too moody to say anything...reach the hawker....he asked mi y i black face along the whole journey...i started crying w/o any control yet immediately he lectured mi on the spot....i felt even worse....my mood was bad on dat day....n if he din look at mi in dat way i might nt break out in tears cos i couldnt control much more ...we quarrel over his wrk issue...he kept saying dat his wrk i shldnt worry abt....saying i shldnt bring this kind of unnecessary quarrels....but if he din give mi the glare do u think i will react in this way....i noe dear has a lot of stress he wouldnt tell mi cos he doesnt wan mi to worry due to i am expecting rite nw...but has he ever think dat i gt my own wrk stress, my own family stress, keep thinking abt the prob we facing soon yet we seem like we cant solve anything yet n time is running out soon....he doesnt like mi always in tears when his friends ard....but if i wasnt even feeling well or in the right state to control my mood would he understand is nt dat he din noe i am suffering frm serious depression b4 n yet to receive anymore further medication due to my savings r oredi gone....i cant carry on taking any medication to control my constant mood swings n nw i am expecting mood swings come n go easily n fast.....once under stress i couldnt control myself n this is nt the 1st time yet he couldnt understand yet blaming mi for embarrassing him in front of his friends....am i being placed in the 2nd position am i less impt than his friends?
i and him r of the same of kind when comes to prob solving we rather solve it alone individually....we dun like to stress each other abt it face each other daily wif a happy-go-lucky face n towards our frds yet deep inside us r probs non stop....but he is a better hider than mi he wont bring sadness in his face out when wif frds yet i am more of a serious case of depression i couldnt control my mood swings in time of breaking down anytime.....yet till nw he still dunno mi well enuff....i've seen wat he said to colin n jerry in msn logs....i felt extremely upset wif wat ever he said seems like he is pushing all the blames on mi thinking frds doesnt wan to hang out wif him becos of mi n my "tantrums" but its wasnt true....colin n jerry still hang out wif us cos this is our prob they wont care abt it either....yet he kept thinking i made him lose face lose his frds make him embarrass in front of frds....he think frds r more impt than mi....shldnt he think why i would react in this way.....in his mind i am brainless....i dunno hw to think....den hw abt himself....gg to be a dad soon...still playing ard in mirc or msn wif gals....nt aware i am angry or wat....did i say anything abt dat? i trusted him i gave him the freedom yet i dun like the idea of the way the gals "flirt tok" wif him.....but i nv complained much....wanted him to cut down on cig he couldnt partly to save more cash secondly is to avoid mi suffer frm heart attack again cos i been breathing in 2nd hand smoke which is no diff of being a smoker myself.....he din noe too...he seem nt worry abt the cash flow yet i keep thinking abt it....he can ask himself end of month how much he left? i bearly eat much during lunch but i wont starve myself too trying all kind of ways to save yet he didnt show any progress....i cant even bring out the fact to him dat i am totally broke w/o anymore savings becos of him....i owe my doctors money cos i doesnt hv the cash to pay them back for the hosiptal bills....i owe my own sister money till she is also broke nw cos no job as well as to cover my mum side of medi bills...i owe others money does he noes dat....jus becos end of month we cant even survive thru hw to survive thru when we got this bb....this is all my stress yet did he ever sit down and ask mi why? he will jus feed his fish , play his mirc fooling stuff...play his game...yet i nv wan him worry....hw much diff of stress i hv compare to his....equal or more? i oredi broke down long ago he din even aware of this yet pushing the blame i did all these to embarrass him....if dats is so....den i can jus shut my mouth frm 2day onwards dun speak a single word dun hang out wif "his frds" dun even go out wif him for outings....i stay home n be a dummy n wait to give birth till more probs come later den ....if dats wat he wan....i can do it anyway....
i really dunno wat to do right nw....or to say wat to him....jus being quiet nt saying a word...no complains no grumbiness infront of him....no black face no tantrums no nothing....wan it this way we suits him....i got no say.....cos i dunno wat to say....jus like yesterday i reach home do my stuff slp woke up prep to go over waited for him n nt a single word came out frm my mouth yet he keep wanting mi to tok....i onli feel like lying on the bed slp n do nothing for the whole week thru or months or years....cos i'm too sick physically n mentally......